Autumn's Thoughts

The fresh dead leaves float carelessly to the ground
Like music notes in the sky
Fall is almost upon us
The weather is fickle
A bit confused on where its temperature should be
But the trees in early anticipation
Get an early start on shedding the old
& are slowly loosing a couple leaves at a time
Mushrooms are growing up amongst the crisp old fragile leaves
Giving yards a bit of a whimsical feel over the smell of festering musk
That the older leaves give off
Only slightly filling the nostrils
But wonderfully inescapable at the same time

& as I stand outside looking over the colorful ground
Giddy over the notion that in a couple weeks
I'll probably be wearing a sweater
I also think of how I have survived another change
The seasons give life's years a timeline
And with each seasons change
Comes the realization that
We only get so many
And our loved ones only get so many with us
Corbin will be 3 when summer rolls back around
Growing so fast
Steven and I will have been married 11 years a week & 1/2 before then
My nieces and nephews are all growing up so fast
In pictures

& as the thoughts swim around
In my already ticking, conscious, clock like mind
I follow Corbin around to the swing set in the backyard
& I remember when we first got it
Not even 1/2 a year ago
Took forever to put it together
& He could barely use it
But after a couple months of only using the swing
He now does it all
(A great metaphor for our strengthening faith in God)
& much like he grows and learns new things everyday
So do I

I have come to realize that my life
With all that it is
& isn't
I can accept
I can be okay with
& all the disappointments
The situations out of my control
With everything God allows to enter my existence
I am beginning to let go of them
Only by His almighty changing power
I have grown in ways I wouldn't have thought possible
& through it all have begun to learn
To let go & let Him
Things in my life last year
I wouldn't of wanted to let go of
Resentment and justified anger
Pits of sadness and hopelessness
Seasons upon years
Years upon seasons
Everything building up
& this season happens to be the one
That amongst the growing pains of everyday life
I can say its okay
I can release my grasp
Because of the help of God
& now can stretch without the weight of life
Straining my shoulders
Standing erect and growing in my faith

If the amount we change in a year
& the ways in which we do
Could be painted on a canvas
It sure would be a sight to behold
A study within its lines
& if it could be done
The painting of the ones who change themselves
So that they may keep us
Would be an explosion of beauty, struggle, & understanding
evoking strong emotion
Both worthy in their own respects
Complimenting each other's existence

With all the seasons
Come names of people
That I have lost & found
Names of those who impacted my seasons of change
I cannot think of anyone without fond memories
Even amongst the worst memories I have of people
But much like many come and go in life
Soon this fall will disappear
Off of the ground it once laid so effortlessly on
& with it
Winter

The ultimate oxymoron
Frightening the delicate green to stay hiding inside the trees sheltering wood
& the flowers cuddled
Seeded in the sheltering dirt
Even the water hides beneath a shell
But even as powerful and cold as winter is
With it comes Christmas
& a warm sense of giving
A fireplace composing a ballet across the walls of our hearts
A fondness for our fellow man
A feeling we should carry with into the new year
& throughout every season in life

Upon the thought of the second coming season
I experience a bittersweet feeling
The knowledge that this will be another end of year holidays
Separated from siblings
Another one
With a wall between the family
Another one filled with the same old problems
I don't know if my son will ever get the joy
Of having big family holidays
If not with siblings
With cousins
He will have a good Christmas
Filled with more toys than he needs
But what are they
In a room with others that go unplayed with?
How do they stand
Against the joy of family?
I want my boy to have that
Family
Other kids laughter and squeals
Matching his own excitement
I pray one day
I will be able to give Corbin that
By way of siblings
Or cousins
& that one day
We will all be able to do holidays together

But until then
I look back on my many years
Continuing pondering this life thus far
Hoping to learn something new amongst the standing structures & rubble
& thank the good Lord for blessing me
With the seasons He has
The seasons He is
& the seasons He will
I will brush off the feelings that are anything but happy
Knowing that my Father in heaven
Will handle them the way he sees best
I let go of everything
Breath a relaxing smile
Set my son in his swing
Give him a big push
Take in his jubilant squeal
& be happy for this autumn day
The Lord hath given.